No Heparin Needed !

I saw our incredible family doctor on Monday and discussed our situation with him. He was so sympathetic and got disappointed by the way we were treated . He was surprised that our RE didn’t call and discuss my case with the haematologist directly , and instead told us to go find the answer to our situation ourselves! He said he would call the haematologist and call us back soon. He called us the day after at home and told us after a long discussion with the haematologist ,they decided that Heparin shot would be unnecessary . He suggested to still meet with the haematologist on the 30th for more blood works but most likely I won’t be needing heparin shots! I told him that we are incredibly lucky to have him in our lives and thanked him for putting our mind on ease.

On Wednesday , Dr K came to my desk and told me if I want to meet him on Friday at 12. I couldn’t believe it! His secretary had told me the earliest I can meet him is July! So , I told him ABSOLUTELY!! I met him on Friday and discussed our situation with him and confirmed what our family doctor said. He was also so disappointed that our RE hasn’t put any effort to accommodating us considering one of Spine Clinic’s doctors who is specialized in sexual health after spinal cord injury works at our fertility clinic!!! He refereed me to sexual health clinic for women with spinal cord injury. They provide care before getting pregnant and during pregnancy for women with spinal cord injury. Dr K also said he will talk to my urologist about possibility of bladder Botox injection a month before IVF cycle . He has had patients who have done that before pregnancy and they never had any problem.

Looks like we are out of the vicious cycle ! We will meet the haematologist on the 30th and hopefully if she gives us permission , we can start the IVF cycle after that..Finger crossed..

Maybe we are not meant to be parents

I don’t know whether I’m tired of appointments or I’m afraid of change but I have started to think maybe its not meant to be for us to be parents . We are so happy together. My husband picks me up from work every day ( when he is not travelling of course !) and we talk about our day when we drive home. I come home to a clean house , delicious home made dinner that my husband prepared and a wonderful husband who loves hearing about my day. We don’t have to worry about anyone else . We relax and watch our favourite shows , and spend the rest of the night together . We spent the weekends in bed or on the couch relaxing and not caring about anyone else but ourselves . We don’t need to get up early for a soccer practice or a crying kid . Maybe we are too selfish to be parents . We have already discussed and adoption or surrogate are not going to be an option for us . Now I started to think that maybe there is a reason we are infertile . We are not mom and dad type . We are happy the way we are and we are pushing our luck by ivf ( not to mention the medical risks ..).. I really don’t know the answer .. I know ill feel different in a few days .. I’m mentally exhausted

More Appointments…

We will meet with haematologist on April 30th. Hopefully she can answer our question. My family Dr will be back next week , and I will see him on Aril 7th.
I have been having a lot of problem with my bladder. I have neurogenic bladder and lately it became worse. I have to get up during the night to go to the washroom every freaking hour ! I had a urodynamics on Tuesday and the nurse told me to talk to Dr Nigro about Botox injections in bladder. I saw Dr Nigro the next day . He works at Olive fertility Clinic too so I told him about my problem and if Botox is safe when we are planning to go through IVF. He said I’m the perfect candidate for Botox injection and it will solve all my problems. However, there hasn’t been any research or study about the consequence of Botox on IVF or pregnancy and he doesn’t want me to be the guinea pig , so he suggested to wait after the baby is born then he will start the injections. He also asked when we will start our IVF process and I told him about our dilemma about heparin shots. He said he has no answer for me but he will refer me to Dr K (physiatrist). He prescribed some medications for me but asked me to stop taking any medication as soon I start our IVF process. He told me , he will see me next year when I have my baby & ready for my Botox injection. While I didn’t get the solution for my problem , I left his office with a smile. Who knows! maybe next year is OUR year & we will have a baby :)

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Stuck in Limbo

My family doctor is away so I met with his replacement . Unfortunately he didn’t have an answer for us either . He told us that there is going to be risk of blood clot due to taking /injecting hormones but no one can tell of I need heparin shots or not . He suggested meeting with a haematologist . I called Olive and asked if Dr Yuzepe can talk to a haematologist . I’m still waiting for their answer . I was supposed to start taking my Estrace soon ( I will get positive on OPK any days) . If I don’t hear anything back we have to postpone our plans yet again. Looks like no one has an answer for us. Are these signs to stop us from trying ? Maybe we don’t deserve to be parents and that’s why we face all these troubles .. When it rains it pours…
Update : the nurse from olive just called. Dr Yuzpe wants me to see a haematologist before starting anything . Meeting a specialist takes at least a few months. So as of right now all our plans are cancelled .

Thought You’d Be Here

Thought You’d Be Here, by Wes King

We thought you’d be here by now
Your mother and I
We’re praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It’s getting harder to be strong
Is there something we’ve done wrong

But if you like dancing
I’ll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now

We have a room just for you upstairs
It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold

And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near

Somehow…

I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met
Miss someone I haven’t met yet

We’ll be waiting

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Let the journey begin

My husband and I decided to start from this cycle. My husband will always travel for his job so we just need to adapt. I will start taking Estrace as soon as I get a positive OPK which will be probably next weekend . I asked the nurse at Olive about ivf shots and the possibility of blood clot ( and if i need heparin shots to prevent it) since I have poor circulations due to my injury . She said she will talk to Dr Yuzepe and calls me. I had a voice mail from her and she said that its best if I discuss this with my family doctor . My GP is away but I will see his substitute on Monday . I also emailed Kate the spinal cord nurse for sexual health . She said the best person to talk to is Dr K as he is a physiatrist who is specialized in cardiovascular for people with spinal cord injury . Dr K is now away in Sochi for Paralympics but he will be back soon . It usually takes 6 months to get an appointment with him.the good news is he works in our building and I see him all the time. I can easily email him . But I feel incredibly uncomfortable bugging him. He is such a nice guy and I know he will answer me and he knows me personally but still I feel so awkward bugging him.

I’m terrified

I went to sexual health and spinal cord injury seminar today at my lunch time . The nurse who was doing the presentation said she work at Olive. After the seminar I went talk to her . I told her our situation and asked if she knows any spinal cord injured woman who went through ivf. She said I might be the only one BC if not in Canada ! She said since spinal cord injury doesn’t affect female fertility and only affects guys , most of her patients are male. She was really nice and told me to ask for a referral to their clinic so I can meet with other nurses … When I left the meeting I was terrified
I’m terrified that I may never be a mother
I’m terrified that I’m going through a procedure and going to spend over $12k on something that no one in my condition has ever done that before
I’m terrified because I know my husband has to go back to Africa soon and it might conflict with our ivf plan
I’m terrified because I love my job so much but I have to keep taking days off for our appointments . How is that gonna affect me? What if they kick me out over this ?
I feel really lonely .. Infertility is such a sensitive topic that you can’t even talk about it to anyone …

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IVF Orientation Day

Yesterday was our orientation day. I assumed they basically will discuss the procedure to us and that’s it. When we showed up the nurse told us that I’ll have my ultrasound first. That’s where we found out that Dr Yuzpe is going to do follicular ultrasound first . I wore a VERY tight jeans that day and I needed to change! Luckily my husband is used to helping me and we managed to get changed on very small bed. I have 7 follicles of the right and 5 on the left . I don’t know what that means or is it normal since as usual Dr Yuzpe didn’t discuss the results with us ( he never called us back to discuss my husband’s blood work that we paid $1000 to be sent to US either ). After that we saw the nurse and she described procedure to us. I have to take Estrace for one cycle and the shots starts the cycle after. When it came to shots my husband & I were both freaked out. The nurse wanted us to start right away and pushed us to buy the medications now ( I really did not like that she was pressuring us to buy right now ). Normally they transfer 2 embryos so if one doesn’t survive , there is still a chance that the other one survives and the woman gets pregnant. Unfortunately, Dr Yuzpe put his foot down in our case and will do single embryo transfer to prevent the possibility of having twins. Nurse said our chances for conception will not decrease. She said  they had cases in which they transferred 3 embryos and not one survived and they had cases in which the woman got pregnant with a single embryo transfer. I think she was trying to make us feel better . I still wish the Dr would do 2 transfers so we would have a higher chance.

We can’t start the process right away. The problem is that my husband works on month in Africa and one month here . He is still waiting for his work visa so basically we are in the limbo. He can be sent tomorrow or 2 months from now so we can’t plan anything. I really really need my husband to be here when I’m going through these shots and daily blood works. Because of my injury I have  limited hand function so he needs to do the shots for me. Also, I would feel really lonely emotionally if I have to be all by myself.

When we came home I put my head on my husband’s shoulder and I told him that I’m scared. He told me that the shots scared him too. He said injecting someone you love multiple times a day and seeing her suffer is a mental torture. He said he is worried about my skin recovery after so many shots and it scares him (because of my injury any small scar,wound or injury takes for ever to heal).  We are hoping he will be here from the beginning of my ivf cycle and if not we have to hire a nurse to help me out. We shall see…

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How to Deal with Pregnancy Jealousy Why We Feel Jealous and Learning How to Let It Go

I read this article at ivf.ca forum.. I have asked myself all these question many many times.. I’m sharing this because hopefully it helps someone because I tried all these suggestion and it did not get better…

How to Deal with Pregnancy Jealousy Why We Feel Jealous and Learning How to Let It Go

By Rachel Gurevic

The Green Eyed Jealousy Monster is no stranger to the fertility challenged. Feeling pregnancy jealousy over friends, co-workers, and relatives is normal and common. You may even feel jealous just seeing a stranger’s pregnant belly! What causes jealousy? And how can you cope? Ideas that Feed into Jealousy
Jealousy is a normal emotion. You’re not a bad person, friend, or relative for feeling pangs of jealousy. Understanding the underlying thoughts that feed into jealous feelings may help you understand yourself better and even reduce your feelings of jealousy.

Common Jealousy Rational #1: “I would be a much better parent, but Ms. Terrible-Mother gets pregnant yet again.”
Why do women get pregnant who were “not even trying”? Why does your co-worker become “accidentally pregnant” when you can’t purposefully get pregnant for months or years now? Why is your neighbor, who you believe to be a terrible mother, able to pop out kids with ease, but you, who you believe would be an awesome mother, can’t conceive no matter how hard you try?
The truth is that pregnancy doesn’t discriminate. Becoming pregnant is not dependent on how “hard you try”, nor on whether you’d make a good parent or a bad one.

Common Jealousy Rational #2: “How dare she complain! She has no idea how lucky she is.”
Nothing stirs up jealousy and anger more than when a lucky friend starts complaining about morning sickness, or having to wake up with the baby in the middle of the night. How dare she complain when you would give everything to have a baby?
Well, here’s the thing to keep in mind: When you’re pregnant, you’ll also probably want to complain. And if you force yourself to keep a happy appearance on the outside throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period, you may set yourself up for feeling depressed. (Because let’s face it, pregnancy and early parenthood isn’t easy, and keeping your struggles a secret isn’t good for your mental health.) In fact, having experienced infertility puts you at a higher risk for developing postpartum depression.
When you hear your friend complaining, remember that whining about pregnancy and the newborn period is also part of the experience. It’s not that they don’t appreciate what they have – they do. They just also love to talk-it-up.
Also, remember that pregnancy and new motherhood are a both a blessing and a difficult experience to go through. Complaining isn’t a sign they don’t appreciate it – it’s part of the reality of pregnancy and parenting.

Common Jealousy Rational #3: “Why her and not me?”
There are two rationales behind this one. One is a kind of silly notion we have that pregnancies are in short supply. Almost like if all your friends get pregnant, there won’t be enough “pregnant” to go around for you, which isn’t true of course.
The other rational behind this one is more accurately, “Why not me?” It’s the sadness peaking out from behind the jealousy. Jealousy: Anger and Grief in Disguise
In many ways, it is easier to feel jealousy and direct difficult feelings outward than to look inward and acknowledge our sadness. Jealousy is less about our friend or family member’s pregnancy, and more about our own grief over infertility.
Infertility is a frustrating, difficult disease to face. Feeling sadness, anger, grief, and fear is common and normal. Anger especially is an emotion that likes a target, and if you’re feeling angry about infertility, directing that anger at a co-worker who gets pregnant may feel easier than directing it at the universe for not dealing you the pregnancy cards you hoped for. Protecting Yourself from Pregnancy-Jealousy-Overwhelm
When you’re in the thick of pregnancy jealousy, sometimes you need to take steps to lessen your exposure to the triggers. Some things you can do include:

  • Hide all status messages from your pregnant friend or family member: They’ll never know you hid their updates, and you can always go to their page every so often and scan for important updates. Plus, if something really important happens, they or someone else will tell you.
  • Decline the baby shower invite: You really don’t have to go. Honest. (More about baby showers.)
  • Ask them not to talk about pregnancy all the time: If hearing them talk about the pregnancy is painful, either find a way to switch the subject, or be honest and tell them you don’t want to talk about the pregnancy and why. “I am happy for you, but hearing you talk about your pregnancy makes me feel extremely sad because I can’t get pregnant myself. So can we talk about the things we spoke about before you got pregnant?”

Learning to Let Go of Pregnancy Jealousy
While I don’t suggest going to every baby shower or forcing yourself to put up with dozens of Facebook pregnancy-related status updates, I am going to suggest that when you’re ready, you should try to let the pregnancy jealousy go. You may need to re-let go over and over again, but being able to do so is important to your mental health.
There comes a time when isolating yourself to avoid pregnancy jealousy will create more harm than good. Jealousy can get in the way of having an Awesome Aunt role. Jealousy can cut you off from people who you once really loved to hang out with. Jealousy can make you feel alone, and jealousy can make you feel ashamed (wondering why you just can’t get over yourself.)
Letting go of pregnancy jealousy takes time, and sometimes, you need professional counseling to help you get there. As stated above, jealousy is deep down grief and anger. If you don’t face the inner sadness, you’ll have a harder time letting go of jealousy.
Some ways to let go of jealousy include…
Tell someone: Don’t keep your feelings a secret, otherwise they fester and grow larger. If your pregnant friend or sister is close to you, you can confide in them. If not, talk to someone else who will understand. A counselor can serve in this role as well.
Write out your sorrows: Write in a fertility blog; write a letter then you’ll never send to your pregnant friend. (Or write one that you will send, expressing how you want to be happy for her but the sadness of your own situation makes that difficult.) Write in a private journal. Write out what you cannot say.
Send a blessing or prayer: When your eyes gaze upon a pregnant belly, and you feel the green jealousy monster rising inside, pay attention to that feeling. Take two deep breaths. Then, close your eyes and send blessings, vibes, or prayers to that mother and baby. The prayer can be very simple, like “May you have a healthy, safe delivery; may you know nothing but love and warmth.” Do this when you feel like giving a blessing, and do it when you don’t.
Then, after sending the blessing to the pregnant woman, send a blessing to yourself, fertility related or not. Like, “May I have peace, may I have love,” or “May I soon know what it’s like to carry a child.” Don’t be surprised if you feel the jealousy melt away into tears of sadness – the emotion hiding behind the green-eyed monster.

serenity now! serenity now!

Today was the day that our dr was supposed to call to discuss my husband results with us. We paid extra so we get the results faster due to my husband work schedule . Dr was supposed to call before leaving for his conference in Switzerland ! Well I never heard back so I called Olive . Apparently our test results are back from US but Dr has already left for the conference ! She said she will put a note for dr to call us when he gets back !!! Im sick of waiting! why did we pay extra then ? how hard was it for the Dr to call is before leaving the country !!! serenity now! serenity now!!!

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We Have a Game Plan! Sorta..

We went to Olive fertility clinic after 2.5 months of waiting . We were so excited and get there 15 minutes early . There was a line up for just checking in and here I was thinking we were the only one who have fertility issues! Dr Yuzpe was awesome. He was shocked that no where in my file mentioned that I’m in the wheelchair and why. Basically he wanted to know if its because of a disease and is it safe to be pregnant . I told him it was the result of a car accident back in 2002 and yes I already asked my orthopaedic surgeon and he said its perfectly fine . He said he never had a disabled female patient before but he had tons of male ones ( spinal cord injury affects male fertility A LOT ). Then he said everything looks good on my side . He wrote 2 blood tests for my husband ( YCMD (Y Chrom. Microdeletions), Chromosome Karyotype ..) . He was very disappointed that the urologist we saw in Dec didn’t write these tests for him yet ( what a shocker ! he was the idiot who asked if we know the mechanism of sex!!) . Since they have to ship the sample to US , it takes at least 10 days for the result and it cost 1000 dollars. Mean while he said we start the ivf/icsi . He said the chances are almost zero that they find something in my husband blood so we can cancel ivf and actually treat my husband and this is merely one last attempt. Then explained the ivf procedure and said he transfers only one embryos and said considering I have rods in my back having multiples is super high risk as he said ” my job is to make sure we have a healthy mother and a baby ! If you think twins pregnancy is awesome I can introduce to two of my recent patients who just lost theirs on 24 weeks! No pay for one get two in this clinic lol “). After our appointment my husband went for blood test ( 6 test tubes!!) and we are booked for ivf/icsi orientation on march 7th.  Dr Yuzpe cancelled Dr Nigro ( urologist ) appointment on 28th and he said all he is gonna do is write these blood tests then discuss the results with you so why don’t you just do the tests now and I discuss the result over the phone with you ( he is heading to Switzerland soon).. I asked the dr is there a chance they see something and you cancel our ivf and say game over and he said no. So i guess next step is the orientation on march 7th!

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“Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.” Jules Renard

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